Don’t make excuses for social predators
A step-by-step guide to breaking free from narcissistic abuse that worked for me (with shortcuts)
Social predators are toxic and high conflict people. They are in your living room, in your bedroom and in your classroom. How to break free from the toxicity?
Don’t make excuses for people who upset you
When someone shows you who they are, believe them
Don’t ever compromise your standards
Seven steps to breaking free from psychological abuse
Start working on your fear response. You have been preconditioned to be fearful, whether by the family of origin or by toxic people you have attracted later in life. Childhood fears are all I remember. I was afraid of a weird looking neighbor; I was terrified of a relative that would squeeze my cheek. I am pretty sure these people were amicable and harmless. I did not know back then that I may be fearful and strong at the same time. I can be nervous but resilient and unstoppable.
Shortcut: I live in Canada, where Cannabis is legally available. Micro doses of Cannabis works on fear extinction in PTSD.
Self-reflection is not enough; maximum knowledge is needed. I binge-watched videos on everything related to narcissism. Many are familiar with the term “narcissist”, but few people understand that this personality type has nothing to do with a narcissist’s great look or his or her dress-code. Narcissist’s brain is different compared to most humans in terms of structure, volume, and signaling. That is as simple as that. It may very well be a genetic predisposition to many personality disorders including narcissistic personality disorder.
Shortcut: A licensed psychologist Dr.Ramani Durvasula knows everything about toxic people. She lives in Los Angeles, her new widely popular YouTube Channel is a priceless gift of knowledge and common sense.
Stop trying to reason with a narcissist or explain yourself. Stop lying to yourself that one day you will be able to motivate a narcissist to self-reflect on their behavior. No one is listening on the other side of this relationship. The narcissist is not interested in self-reflection. They function with only one goal in mind, to get other people to serve them. For example, my aging narcissist says she is trying to fit in. She means that she will do everything to get people to accomplish whatever she needs, wants, and requests without ever thinking about how her demands are affecting others. I call it manipulation — full disclosure: at least one child was hurt in this process — my inner child.
Shortcut: None. According to cognitive neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf, it will take at least 63 days to reconceptualize one thinking pattern.
Give up fixing everyone. They can do it themselves. You may genuinely believe that you will only be lovable if you are helpful, accomodating, and self-erasing. Guess what; the truth is you can supply everything you have to your narcissist, it will never be enough. The Aha! moment will never occur for a narcissist to recognize you and stop dismissing you. Why? They are not interested in you. Not a single bit. They are self-serving humans, no matter what.
Stop looping and ruminating about a toxic person in your life. Changing that toxic person is an unsolvable problem. The only solution is to change your mindset. Are you constantly double guessing yourself? Try getting in touch with your gut feeling and practice making decisions and following through without being anguished.
Shortcut: Concentrate on your feelings and review your attachment style.
Tap into your creativity. Art, writing reading, and surprisingly cooking.
I did not realize that cooking is a form of therapy until I took on a gluten-free starter for sourdough bread project. It is a simple and straightforward recipe that only requires three ingredients ( brown rice flour, spring water, and a lot of patience). Bread baking is an art and a science and has a learning curve. Creating a wild yeast sourdough starter is like a chemistry experiment or like having a pet that you need to feed daily. It is time-consuming but exciting — a pure therapy.
Shortcut: Seven days to make a loaf and get rid of anxiety is a good deal.
Manage your anxiety by seeing a therapist. Mainly because you want to be heard and validated. However, not many psychologists have experience in understanding dynamics involving high conflict people. Many therapist refrain from telling you directly what seems to be the problem. That may derail your healing by simply focusing on your apparent wrongdoings. Since toxic people are unfixable, all you must know is “Get away! “. Separate physically or emotionally, but do not let the abuse go on for decades. Long term abuse is a gateway for your falling physical health. Narcissists, on the other hand, have chosen a way to live and cope with the stress that is unavailable to the empath. The empath needs to know one crucial fact: the coping mechanism of narcissists serves them well; according to research they usually enjoy longevity and good health.
Shortcut: Look for a cognitive bias modification app on your smartphone.
Harward based team of scientists and its lead researcher Courtney Beard, Ph.D., created a HabitWorks app that may become available soon. Dr.Beard explains that this new app is a “class of interventions designed to shift people’s interpretations of ambiguous situations in either a more positive or more negative way.”
More on Genetics of narcissism
Genetically fixed narcissist
Father’s and daughter’s feelings of grandiosity and entitlement maybe similar
More on fear extinction and Cannabis
Anna Deveaux, M.Sc. is a learner, writer, biotech investor who is interested in research translation, drug development, genetics.